Current location:	In crack!land
Current mood:	quixotic
Current music:	California Dreamin - Mamas and the Papas

Crack :D
Here's something I wrote a couple months ago, and just decided to post here so you could enjoy it. It was inspired by a conversation I had with my friend Brittany during lunch one day. My only thoughts? There are only so many Dragonball Z references you can throw in before it stops being funny. And somehow, I think this would work better as a low-quality flash animation.

Oh, also whenever you so something like "agudabadaganablargdaba" it just means random gibberish. I wish I had an audio clip for you guys to listen to. Brittany and I go back and forth with that: saying random gibbersish with some random word at the end. Like, abshforyjsjkdhfi dagger! Or egafhdidoisjdo Warrick!

But anyway, enjoy! :D



It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon, down a sunny dirt road in Bear Country. Or wherever it is that Shigure’s house happens to be.

“These onigiri are delicious, Honda-san,” Yuki complimented, smiling ever so sweetly. For that is what the Furuba cast does all the time: eat onigiri.

“Eh? Oh, thank you.” Tohru blushed and smiled back, increasing the level of utter sugary sweetness in the room.

“Damn Yuki damnit damn rat damn Yuki damnity damn damn Yuki I’m gonna beat that damn rat damn damn damn cold-blooded thick-skinned damn bastard damnit damn him to hell the damn rat…” Kyo continued to mutter to himself in the meantime.

“I’m hoooome!” Shigure announced, bursting into the room.

“Welcome, Shigure-san!” Tohru greeted.

“Insert perverse comment here,” Shigure quipped with a lecherous grin. Kyo stopped ranting long enough to smack him upside the head.

“Super Saiyan three go!” Yuki shouted, his words in rapid succession and accompanied with cool explosion sound effects, courtesy of himself.

“Question mark exclamation point?!” Tohru and Shigure said in confusion.

“Ohmigod, he’s gone beyond the Super Saiyan! I must go beyond the…beyond-the-Super-Saiyan. Huhuhuhu yeah,” Kyo said.

“Ha, but you can’t even go Super Saiyan, ‘cause you’re only a human!” Yuki pointed out.

“Agudabadaganablargdaba shut up!”

“But Yuki-kun, how is it that you’re able to go Super Saiyan?” Tohru asked.

“Uh…Trunks is my great-uncle three times removed?”

“Wow! That completely goes against the timeline of the series!” Shigure exclaimed.

“Your great-uncle three times removed? But…doesn’t that mean you don’t have a single drop of Saiyan blood in you?”

“Hmm…I guess you’re right.” Yuki paused to ponder for a moment. “Well, that certainly is strange.”

The room fell silent for three minutes and eleven seconds, its four occupants in various states of perplexion.

“Oh yeah,” Yuki suddenly said. “The whole reason I went Super Saiyan was to inflict pain upon Shigure due to his characteristically perverse comment!” So…DIVINE PUNISHMENT!” With that, he karate-chopped the novelist on the head.

“The hell? You didn’t need to go Super Saiyan to do that!” Kyo said.

“But…I look cooler this way…”

Nobody, not even Kyo, could argue with that.

Once again, everyone was stirred from their ponderings as the doorbell rang. Shigure went to answer it. Enter Hatori.

“Hatori-san! Hello!” Tohru exclaimed.

“Akito is waiting in the car. He says he wants you three,” he motioned to Tohru, Yuki, and Kyo, “to come visit him tomorrow.”

“Wait, if he’s just outside, why can’t we just meet with him now?” Kyo wanted to know.

“…A good question that is.”

“Radio Shack: you’ve got questions, we’ve got answers,” Shigure piped up.

“In the Know with Don Shelby, tonight at 10:00,” Hatori deadpanned.

“…” said everyone.

“Yeah, well, uh, time for me to be hitting that dusty trail again…” And with that, Hatori left.

“…” said everyone again.

“Huhuhu, hey guys! Let’s have a barbecue!” Shigure suggested.

“Huhuhu yeah!”

xxxxx

Suddenly, our heroes find themselves at the end of the school day on Monday. Hatori’s car was parked just outside the school gates, hidden in the shadows: the perfect kidnap-mobile.

“To the Pimp Mobile!” Kyo announced with a dramatic hand thrust.

Hoenheim stepped out of the vehicle. “I’m gonna rape you,” he declared, peering over his glasses.

“Ready for rapeage!” all three replied with a wink and feminine salute.

“Thank you so much for picking us up, Hatori-san,” Tohru said, once inside the Pimp Mobile.

“Tch, you really are Akito’s bitch,” Kyo remarked.

“Yeah, well you’re Tohru’s bitch, so mlah,” Hatori retorted maturely.

“You’re all Papa Hoho’s biznatches,” Hoenheim said, flashing gang signs. “It’s my world, you’re just living in it.”

“We’re here,” Hatori announced. Normally, when one reaches their destination they begin to slow down and hit the breaks. Hatori, however, chose to ignore this irksome task. Instead, seconds before impact with the gates of the Sohma Estate, he flung off his seatbelt and dive-rolled out of the vehicle. The others, naturally, followed suit.

“Dundundun, loose cannon cop on the edge!” he cried in midair. “The hawt guitar riff!”

Meanwhile, the Pimp Mobile had been totaled. Roy wept.

Hatori stood, dusting himself off. “Come with me.”

“That was certainly, uh, interesting!” Tohru chirped.

“I know! Seriously, who uses the word ‘biznatches’?” Yuki wondered.

“And ‘Papa Hoho’? What a tacky name,” Kyo added.

Yuki shrugged, as if to say, “whatever,” before summoning Kintoun. He, Tohru, Kyo, and Hatori all boarded the orange cloud. Hoenheim disappeared, probably to take care of some mafia gangster business. Or masturbate. Either one. (Everyone would masturbate regularly if they were Papa Hoho, and you know it.)

Within seconds, they had arrived at the main house. Hatori led the three teens inside. He pointed. “Down that hall, then take a right, then a left, then go three doors down and you’ll find another hall, then take a right, then another right, and then go through this little room that serves absolutely no purpose, and exit the room through the south-south-east door, take a left, go two doors down, and you’re there.” He paused to breathe. “Got it?”

They did.

“Welcome,” Akito greeted with a sinister smirk. He pointed to the floor. “Kneel before me, bitches.”

“Akito, why were we summoned today?” Yuki asked, once kneeling down like a good little bitch.

“Mandatory Yuki angst and Kyo angst. Duh.”

“Oh, of course.” Yuki smiled. “I understand.”

“Then why the hell is Tohru here?” Kyo demanded.

“Because, uh…” Akito glanced around all shifty-like. “Abadagabadagukamlah shut up!” He took a minute to calm down. “Now, shall we begin?”

Yuki and Kyo both nodded.

“Okay then. Yuki, you’re worthless and boring and you’ll wander forever in darkness and nobody will ever save you so just give up hope, you’ll never amount to anything anyway.”

“Oh, emo.” Yuki pouted.

“Next!” Akito shifted his attention to Kyo. “Monster, monster, monster, you killed your mother, monster, monster, everyone would be better off if you were never born, monster, monster, monster, pathetic monster, monster, monster, eats babies.”

“Oh, angst,” Kyo pouted.

“Well, that was fun.” Akito looked pleased with himself. He oh-so-sexily splayed his fingers upon his stomach. “Obsession,” he whispered.

It was then that Yuki noticed. “The hell is wrong with your stomach?”

“…Nothing. Nothing at all.”

“But…you look like you swallowed Dick Cheney whole.”

Kyo giggled, because Yuki had said “swallowed Dick.”

“No. That’s a lie.”

“It’s just a trick,” Mr. Satan/Hercule/whoever said, popping up from nowhere.

Akito shifted, attempting to shield his stomach from everyone’s view. As he did so, his robes slipped, what with Akito being a whore and wearing them as low as Yumi. What the three teens saw shocked and disturbed them, scarring them for life, and would probably continue to be the subject of their nightmares for many years.

“Holy shit! Akito has boobs?!”

“What the fuck?”

“Question mark exclamation point?!”

“Yes, I lactate,” Akito responded, adjusting his, er, her robes (at this point in the story it is highly questionable whether to refer to Akito with masculine pronouns. But then again, hasn’t it always been?).

“Doesn’t everyone?” Hatsuharu deadpanned, popping up out of nowhere just like Mr. Satan/Hercule/whoever.

Yuki pointed at Akito’s stomach. “You’re pregnant then?”

“Either that, or those are man-boobs and it’s the dreaded m-preg!” Tohru piped up.

“Only fat guys have man-boobs. Or old guys,” Kyo informed. “Those are obviously woman-boobs. Believe me. I’m an expert.”

“Uh, so who’s the father?” Yuki asked, profoundly disturbed by this new information regarding Kyo.

Akito looked as though in deep thought. “I’m not exactly sure. Hmm…could’ve been Kureno. Or Shigure. I did go a round in bed with Hatori once. And Papa Hoho. (Who hasn’t been laid by him?)” She stroked her chin in perplexion. “It might have been Kazuma…”

“What?!”

Kyo was ignored.

Akito continued with her list of the possible fathers of her baby, which included (but was not limited to) Roy, Kyo’s biological father, the Duke of Earl, the Dukes of Hazzard, and Vegeta. (Again, who hasn’t been laid by him?)

“No, I’m pretty sure it was that one American guy. Chuck something…Norris! Chuck Norris, that’s it!”

“Chuck Norris? When did you ever have sex with him?” Yuki wanted to know.

“Right after he had sex with yo’ momma!”

“Oh, burn!” Kyo and Tohru said simultaneously.

Yuki emoed. Everyone in and previously mentioned in this story had a hearty guffaw at his expense. And so, once again, the day is saved, thanks to the Powerpuff Girls!